Service to Others: Independent or Codependent? What about… Interdependent?

A dear friend who had once filled a great need at a time of crisis in my life, came to visit me a few years later. At that time, she introduced me to the concept of codependency. This was new information. So I listened to her cassette tape over and over to learn and experiment with the concept.

Codependency is a complex label and should not be used lightly. It can destroy the reputation of very good people who are being gossiped about by those who do not understand their circumstances. Often people trying to serve fail to understand there is a better way than placing labels they are not qualified to place. This is what my friend was doing.

Did your parents, or perhaps someone else in your life, inspire you to become a better parent than they were?

My father made clear his expectation that I would be a better parent than he was. It was a challenge I took on willingly. I studied books. I also paid attention to what worked in the homes I visited or lived in.

One of my greatest challenges as I learned to parent was learning how to honor my spouse as we meshed both our cultures. I believed there was a reason and a purpose for our opposing viewpoints and our shared principles. Our most rewarding work as a couple became the blending we accomplished in all aspects of our individuality.

I learned that in order to be healthy as an individual, I needed to lose myself in service to find myself. I also learned that my service must never take away a person’s agency or identity. This is a challenging balance to maintain. It required that I blend my training with my husband’s training to create something new. Our blended family life became unique and satisfying.

And I have often failed at the challenges of blending cultures in our family. But that failure has been in the safe environment of our home. Our home was a safe place to fail and learn from failure.

One day I found myself standing alone on a highway in a foreign country because I had failed to understand what was needed by my husband.

I wish I had learned faster how to overcome my failure once i was in the car again. I can, though, say that what I have learned has been worth all the hard things I have experienced and overcome. I learned how to be interdependent. I have experienced an interdependence on an amazing level among multiple groups. 

I am grateful for the home my husband and I have developed where interdependence replaced codependency. Because of the Relate Social System, we and our children can fail fast while being safe. We have struggled against great odds to make our home a safe place.

In the past, we have not always made a quick recovery from failure. Using the Relate Social Structure has made for better and faster recoveries. It allowed us to remove the stigma of labels and find safety in understanding our abilities as well as those of others; allowing us to help each other create a new life.

Relate Social Structure is an amazing approach to Interdependence, allowing Codependency to be replaced with a safe and stable social structure which nourishes Interdependence.