Opposition is Best Friends with Attraction

I was standing alone on the edge of a highway in Canada. I had no ID, money, …..and this was long ago, before cell phones made us all feel rich and powerful.

 I did not know what my next move would be.  My husband had ordered me out of the vehicle.  I watched him drive away in our van with our seven children. We were each one terrified of the possible outcome of our actions in those few moments of opposition.

 I stood by the side of the road, considering my choices. There were not many. I decided to wait. 

 My husband decided that his choice to leave me there was not the correct one.  After a wait that felt too long to be good, the van returned to the spot where I had been dropped and I emerged from the bushes to get back in,

on condition

of complete silence

for the 17-hour drive home.

I had plenty of time, during that drive, to comprehend that I had to change something in me.  Change in such a drastic way that I would never have that experience again. I pondered, I prayed, I considered all that I had learned. How was there a different way. I was doing all I knew how to do…

At least, I thought I was…

Gradually, over time, answers unfold. They were unique. They were not what anyone else would have told me to do. I found that there were things I could do that would make a difference. I found hope in the strange and unusual way I chose to live. I brought together knowledge that had been around for 100 years and I came upon hidden knowledge that had been lost for millennia. I found them by experimentation, academic study, analysis and inspiration rising from my desperation.

In our 38 years of marriage, my husband and I have experienced great tragedy and great joy.  The joy has far outweighed the tragedy.  And the tragedy has magnified my gratitude for the joy. 

 On our journey, we have found that there are two opposing forces in the universe which could not exist without the other also existing.  They are the actions of giving and receiving. 

There are many other opposing forces,

however, these two forces

are most obvious

in their need for each other. 

 If we all are givers and there is no one to receive, we could give ………… nothing.

 If we all are receivers (perhaps – takers ……..) and there was no one to give, we could all receive ……….. nothing.

Bestselling authors, relationship counselors and Psychology Today Bloggers, Linda and Charlie Bloom, tell us that in all successful relationships, parties to that relationship are “…generous of spirit to give….” Then they point out to us that the “secret of great relationships” is “to become gracious receivers as well.” 

All of us have important relationships which matter to us. They matter because their worth could never be measured in all this world.  The affect of our relationships always reaches into multiple dimensions of our lives, often in ways we are unaware.

As the Blooms stated, the need for giving and receiving is fundamental to any relationship. Our marriages, our parenting, our neighboring and our working relationships all need both in a healthy dose.  It is in giving and receiving that we find ourselves attracted to our opposite and yet aware of each person’s unique differences. 

In other words, we all need someone.

We need someone able to give us what we need. And, we need them to receive from us the unique things we have to give. This is not some sick codependency thing.  It is the essence of relationships. Both sides of the relationship will be attracted to each other because each can give the other the unique things that the other needs. 

If two people meet and only one of them can supply the need of the other while unable to receive from the other person what they need, that becomes a unhealthy relationship. In that relationship, one imposes upon the other and yet refuses to give in equal consideration of receiving.

It is critical in every relationship to establish clearly what each partner has that is unique to them and the other needs. 

Since that afternoon on the side of a busy Canadian highway,

my focus in my family relationships

with my husband, and my children,

became learning

what each of them needed from me

and

what I was uniquely qualified to give them.

The Blooms have stated that “…while these needs and desires may appear to be mutually exclusive, they” can only exist because the polar opposite exists.  This “tension of opposites” will help us develop “…the passion that sustains, deepens and enlivens relationships.”

In relationships, attraction and the need to be separate and opposite,       

balance each other. 

Each relationship is uniquely different in their affect upon our lives. Both attraction (which is an example of the need to receive) and separateness or uniqueness (an example of the need to give) must exist for a healthy relationship. We need to allow others to give in their own unique way.  This honors them as individuals. It gives them their voice.

In great relationships, there is a perfect balance of need – the law of attraction, and of giving -the law of separateness.

[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201401/the-real-reason-opposites-attract, “But consider the possibility that those differences that can seem so problematic may actually be the very things that add spice and passion to your relationship, particularly its sexual aspects. We are drawn to others out of needs and desires that are unfulfilled in our lives, such as a desire to experience greater connection, security, love, support, and comfort. On the other hand, some of those unfulfilled longings have to do with their polar opposites, such as adventure, freedom, risk, challenge, and intensity. While these needs and desires may appear to be mutually exclusive, they not only can co-exist with each other, but in the process, generate a “tension of the opposites” that produces the passion that sustains, deepens and enlivens relationships.” …. “While security, safety, closeness, and comfort are certainly qualities that characterize all fulfilling relationships, without a balance of excitement, passion, adventure, risk, and yes, even a certain degree of separateness, security becomes boredom, dependability becomes indifference, intimacy becomes claustrophobia, and comfort becomes stagnation.”] 

Can you think of examples in your life of the law of attraction and the law of separateness? Write them down as we review a few examples given here for your study. As you study them, you will begin to realize how very different and yet desirable these opposite, yet complementary parts of your own relationships are. 

When my husband dropped me off at the side of the Canadian Highway, he had had it. I had tried to impose what I thought was the right way, just one too many times. He needed a time of separateness. And he needed me to give it to him by getting out of the car.  And luckily, when he came back for me, we found a that our attraction could balance that need for separateness.

Here are some other examples of needing separateness:

1. Where we have connection with those we relate to, we all need the freedom of our individuality. A great example of this is the story of Goldie Locks who found the perfect bowl of porridge, …which she ate; the perfect chair for her to rock in, …until it broke; and the perfect size and shape of bed into which she crawled to sleep, …until in their separateness, the Three Bears demanded that she leave and allow them their separateness. Even children know that Goldie Locks’ choices were unwise for a healthy relationship, …even though she found and received exactly what she needed.

2. Another example of attraction and separateness is our innate craving for security in stable relationships, so long as we also have a bit of adventure. Can you each think of a time when you had to shake the security of your relationship, just so you could have a little adventure?

3. We all have a longing to feel loved by close friends, partners and family members. Yet, we all want to experience the risk of making new relationships with new acquaintances.

4. In every effort to improve our station, we need to feel the support of those involved in our effort. Yet, there are times when we want the Challenge to prove to ourselves that we are independent and equal to the task on our own.

5. We all talk of the comfort of home, of comfort in old relationships. In the process, though, our very stories cause us to admit; those relations we are most comfortable with have had their times when the intensity has shifted, and the resulting new experiences challenge us.

For Example:

A friend of mine grew up in a home full of intense instability and anger. He was comfortable with it.  He got married and continued the same pattern in his own home. One day, he found out that his mother and father had stopped sharing their bedroom. They were empty nesters and they had plenty of rooms.  She was so happy to have a room of her own, probably for the first time in her life.  It was not a good day when my friend learned of this change in the intensity of his parent’s relationship. It took months for him to feel safe in his own marriage because his model of what constituted a good marriage had been challenged by the change of intensity in his parent’s relationship.

The intensity of a relationship we grow up with is something we are accustom to, comfortable with.  For that intensity to shift, our comfort will be disrupted. Such a change can be an unnerving experience.  Yet we crave it! Can you think of all the times you have dreamed of a better relationship and then realized how unnerving it would be?

My husband and children have taught me that there are patterns, comparisons and even answers that work in helping us to balance giving and receiving in our relationships.  Understanding these answers teaches us how to relate to the world around us and the people in it. This is more than communication. It’s about sharing a perspective.

 The Conclusion of the Canada Story came a few weeks ago.  My husband had been reading the Relate book in the course of our editing process.  He was finally understanding the things we have discussed and practiced on for so long. Then the evening came, when following an uncomfortable confrontation that turned out in the best way possible,

my husband came to me,

expressing amazement

at the results we had just experienced,

because, in a moment of intense confrontation,

we had both been able to step back

to share our opposing perspectives.

Relate book is all about understanding opposing perspectives.

“Did you see that!?!” “Did you see how we were able to resolve the conflict without getting into a fight!?!” “Wasn’t that amazing?!” “We both got something we wanted, and the result was better for both of us!” “Wow! That was soooooo cool!” “That makes this all worth it!” “You have to tell the Canada story!”  “You have to tell about this as the ending to the Canada Story!”

 What had we done different?  We had given ourselves permission to want two opposing things.  We had given each other permission to see our challenge through a very different lens. We had listened to each other’s desires. 

By sharing our opposing perspectives in a safe way, we had found a resolution that worked for both of us.

On March 6, 2019, in Draper, I will be presenting a 40-minute seminar where I share with you the patterns, comparisons and even answers I have learned and shared with my family, neighbors and coworkers to improve our relationships, to give us a fresh new perspective on how to relate to our world.

I invite you to come that evening for a comfortable adventure; a stable, safely intense learning experience. You will never be the same again.  You will feel supported in your effort to relate to important people in your life and yet, you will also feel equal to the task of independently learning what those people need.

The meeting is at 7 PM, on March 6, in Draper. If you would like to know more, please sign up for information.